Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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