i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
