Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
