You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
