That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
