if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
