When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
