I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
