I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
