So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
