Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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