I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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