how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
