How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
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