Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
