The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
