First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
