If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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