Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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