Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
