update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
