if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
