I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
