Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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