meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
