Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
