A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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