remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
