you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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