Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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