Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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