so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
