I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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