I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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