So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
