Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
