Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
