i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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