well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
