When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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