can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
