I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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