One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
