you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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