I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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