You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
