rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
