i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
