Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I touched a dick in church today
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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