I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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