just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
