my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She needs sedatives and a leash
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
