It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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