that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
