Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So much rum. So many feels.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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