If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
