I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
