this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
