I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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