I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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