fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
