I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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