youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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