You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm getting married
To pizza
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
